at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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