you turned your livingroom into a bong?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
