he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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