I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
