Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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