My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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