I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
