if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
