Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
