The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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