Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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