i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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