I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
