i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
