Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
