yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
