if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
