I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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