did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
