Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
