my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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