Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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