my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
