I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
