You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
