Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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