3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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