Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
They took my balls.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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