it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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