am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
