how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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