I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
