so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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