Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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