I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
