Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
