Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
