I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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