The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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