WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize