Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
