I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
