When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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