The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
