Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
