Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
