I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
