I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
