Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
