so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
