i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
