Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
