I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
