so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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