i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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