she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
