Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
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I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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