literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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